Today is Today

Today work was good. I am getting more and more talkative from the start. I may have over reacted when I thought I did not belong to that part of the kitchen. I just couldn't wait for change to process. I want results right away. It takes time for me to open up or shall I say "loosen-up" when it comes to new  workmates. I always forget that there is a process to new everything new to you. Some may adapt to change right away and some takes time to accept, even notice CHANGE.

There are still times that I couldn't get what my workmates are talking about- cultural differences.

But its a progress..

I got off work earlier today so I planned to go skating. There is a public rink just right outside my work place. I got home and ate a little for lunch and dinner (i rarely eat lunch when at work because I don't take a break at all. I hold my hunger until I get home). I ordered James' christmas gift and got ready to go. I went to the basement to get my skates only to find out that my skates are nowhere to be found. I thought i still had it in the same bag it was in for the last two years. But there aint no skates at all. Then i realized, I must have thrown it away when I left Toronto- I've been moving a lot lately.
Im bummed, I was excited to be out on my own again. But i had to be stopped.

No skates no skating. But atleast I got one gift down two more to go then I'll be set for christmas.

I can't wait for chicopee to open though. And its tomorrow! I am definitely going to hit the slopes.

The Bright Side

Maybe at some point earlier this year, I took a turn of life. A turn that i may have to take to learn how to feel low again. I was so happy and contented with where I was and how life was back then. I learned to back off a little when things get a little too emotional and learned to detach myself from such emotions and can still steer clear myself and make good decisions if they had to be made. It felt sooo good to be able to feel that. It's like summoning your unconscious self and get it into action. The control Im getting from myself in that moment is extraordinary.

I want to be able to do that again. I want to be able to detach myself from anger and jealousy, cynicism,  impatience, frustrations, anxiety and even love. Its not because I don't want to feel them. I do, I do want to feel these emotions. I don't want to be cold and numb. I want to feel them but I want to be able to detach myself when I'm feeling them. I want to be angry but i want to be able to tell myself "so this is what anger is. This is how it is. And this is what it does to me", and then feel the utmost happiness that life is too good to be consumed by it. The control in that moment is very powerful because it takes you to a different level of awareness. It illuminates the other greatness of your life-that thing they call the "bright side".

We oftentimes hear people say "look on the bright side of life" when you are down and when things doesn't happen your way. At times it is hard to see it. Most of the time we get so caught up with getting angry and forget about what/who we have to be thankful for. We oftentimes get stuck in such emotions that even the fact that we are still breathing, alive and can still make decisions to turn things around gets neglected. We get so caught up with these emotions to the point of summoning all negativity and turn what the universe has to offer all into forces that are against you. But when you learn to detach yourself from the emotions that consumes a lot of souls, the universe will conspire and give off its wonders. It will summon all your good experiences from things and people and events of your lives and it will all play in your head like a film without sound. And all the happiness you had from those times, you'll feel it. You will live it again. And that "LITERALLY" is the "Bright Side".

And THIS is how I look on THE BRIGHT SIDE of life.

I dont give a fuck of this damn world!

Im stuck in this life of negativity! Jealousy, self-pity- because I cant go where i wanted to go, can't fucking buy what i want to buy anymore because money these days is so hard! I just got paid last friday  and its a fucking $1260 and now im all broke again! I still have to buy fucking gifts for James and his family!

I cant even go where I want because i dont have a fucking car! And the buses takes fucking forever to take me somewhere!

I am mad! I am sooooo mad! Im like a bomb that's about to explode! We made plans yesterday to go to mastermind for my gift to Jane. But what the fuck, we just fucking went to the fucking surplus to buy that fucking gift for Matt! We got home after that. Well, we got a few groceries and that's it! I am sooo pissed because i can never get things done when im with James! FUCKING NO! i wanted to buy gifts today, ofcourse i didnt because how will i buy gift for someone who is with me the whole fucking day! I cant do shit!

FUUUUUUUCKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!! fuck this life!

How do i fucking turn this thing around!

please somebody tell me because im sick and tired! Im fucking sick and fucking tired!

I AM NOT HAPPY WITH THIS LIFE ANYMORE! I am complaining about everything! I am complaining about complaining! I dont even look on the bright side anymore! I dont appreciate the good things that happen to me! I dont notice the good things around me! All i do is fucking complain!

FUCCCCCCKKKKKKK THIS!!! MOTHERFUCKING LIFE how can i turn u around!


I WANT TO BE BACK TO MY OLD SELF! THe happy me! I want to be optimistic about everything! I dont feel important anymore! I dont feel useful! I feel so useless. my life is useless!

Healthy Living Devotee

I am attempting to devote into a healthy lifestyle! Life really is just at once. No more of it once the life line goes flat. And certainly no going back to what "should've" been done. It took me discomforts to get to this realization. I do not want to get to the worse side before taking action.

So once again I will start living life with awareness of what I eat and awareness of how i go on with my everyday life. May the day be stressful or stress-free, I will devote myself to a full awareness for my own sake. Nobody would really put someone else's life first before theirs, so gotta take care of mine so i can be a fully-functional social person. And let the Month of January (well, the rest of it) a start of my daily exercise and healthy eating.

Healthy eating is just not about WHAT we eat but also HOW we eat WHEN. That is one thing i learned from my own research with my serious indigestion and belching and abdominal discomforts.

Its just about time to re-visit my blog posts and this is definitely a good reason to be back here again! Will probably be posting articles about healthy living and healthy recipes!

good to be back!