Follow your Heart!

The wind of change has come blowing on me again. 

I haven't been a cook for a very long time, but I wanted to have a break. I used to love the rush. When I first had my restaurant job at Loondocks, I loved it. I loved the experience. I loved pushing on orders as fast as we could. I loved the calls, which was more like the yells. I loved being in a fast pace. I worked 12-15 hrs a day, but i didn't mind it. I was willing to give more of my time because i wanted to learn. When I worked at Beertown, Waterloo, I was a prep. I didn't mind prepping at all. I learned how important of a job it is in restaurants. I was  making 50L of soup, portioning hundreds of food. Cutting, slicing, dicing lots of vegetables and fruits, meats, and breads. Too much cutting that even in my dreams I am still cutting sh?t. Receiving produce, organizing fridge and freezers and dry storages. Lifting heavy loads of carrots, potatoes, boxes of breads and frozen meats (the chicken breast boxes and the veal bones were the heaviest).   All of these happens ERRDAY. It was a hard job, but i found it boring in the end. I wanted more action! I wanted more fun! I wanted to be in the rush. I wanted to work on the line. 

Opportunities came and now Im in Kelowna. I made it my goal to find a job and work on the line. GM station to be exact. I sent out applications on my first day. And right away, I got a job offer as a Line Cook for GM station from Eldorado Hotel, ranked as the top 13 best restaurant in Kelowna by Trip Advisor. I was surprised how fast i was offered the job. It felt good being in that interview. The Chefs who took a few minutes of their busy time to interview me were amazing. They loved my CV and my Cover letter. They were entertained with my story. I felt good in that interview. The only thing that i didn't like was the pay. It was a fixed rate per day which means you could be working long hours but the pay is the same. I've been through that all my work life. I never was a worker who only work just for the sake of it. I put my everything into my work. I work with passion. I give my all when i work. And because of this, I think i deserve an hourly rate. 

The 2nd day, I went in to Manteo Resort and applied in Smack Dab restaurant, which was known as Wild Apple before. I got to chat with Chef Bernard, whom I had a phone interview with 2 weeks before I came to Kelowna. This was the place I was aiming to get a job at. I was nervous during the interview, but I also had fun. It was great chatting with Kim the Manager. And like my interviews with Eldorado Chefs, Kim was interested in my life story. I felt good after the interview. It took days for me to hear from Manteo so I thought it was a no go. I started freaking out and dropped-in my resumes to all restaurants I can find in downtown Kelowna. Then one afternoon, I got a voicemail from Kim offering me the job and giving me schedules for orientation. I was jumping for joy! I couldn't wait to work on the line again. I was so excited to feel the rush again. Little did I know whatelse is going on in a busy restaurant in a hotel that handles weddings and events with a big patio. I was ready to learn though. Three days of working in the kitchen, Chef Bernard announced that he is leaving the restaurant. I was so bummed! I wanted to work with him. Three days of working with him I have learned a lot already. Then i started having second thoughts about my job. Start of June we got very busy. I started getting yelled at, and I fucked up more. I know there are so many things I have to learn about. Working with the top cooks and Chefs in Canada is like all the mistakes that you are about to make is already thrown on your face. How could you not learn from that? I have been working in Smack Dab for almost 2 months now. I have learned so much in 1½ months than in the last 11 months working in the kitchen. But I guess getting yelled at in front of everyone in the kitchen makes me want to quit this job. I am the only person with least experience in that kitchen. Having less than a year experience and working with Chefs and Cooks with more than 10 years experience, of course Im always the one whom they wont trust. Im always the one to fuck up on things. I want to learn but getting yelled at only makes me do more mistakes. Im starting to have doubts now in whatever I do. I don't have confidence anymore. I am not happy anymore. Im nervous and stressed out before i go to work. Im even more stressed out when Im in the kitchen. 

I had to stop and put my thinking hat on. One thing I wanted to happen in Kelowna is CHANGE. Rejuvenate myself and become a happier and positive person. Its time to weigh the PROS and CONS. When i arrived here in mid April, I was amazed how gorgeous Kelowna is. Mountains are walling in the city. The Okanagan lake stretches out 60 miles from Penticton to Spallumcheen. The lake is said to be warm and fun in the summer. I remember telling myself, "this is a perfect place for Change". The sun, the water, good friends, loving and sexy boyfriend, a relaxing apartment by the river and outdoor activities, Whatelse can I ask for? Then I thought, i have to change my job. I want to be out in the sun this summer. I thought of working at the vineyard. I got friends who can hook me up with a job. On my 29th birthday, I tried working at Summerhill. And I loved it!  The sun, the view, the lunch break overlooking lake Okanagan and West Kelowna, afternoons off, and working with friends. This is it. This is what I want. I can get use to this. Its hard work. But I'd rather have hard job than a stressful job.

I decided to change and turn things around. Im quitting my job. Its not that i haven't done this before, but I always find it hard to speak out in quitting. Yesterday I gave my two weeks notice, but I have to do it again today. I just want to get it over with. It was hard because money is better as a cook. But I can work things out when it comes to money. I have to follow my heart! And my heart is telling me to quit! I felt a load off already when I gave my two weeks notice last night. It will get the rest of the loads off my chest once i speak to the exec Chef tonight. 

I have two more weeks and im finally DONE! But i am happy! I am happy I made the decision! Im pretty sure I'll have ups and downs with my chosen jobs but I will manage! Because there is nothing to complain about now. I did what i want and what makes me happy!

Today is Today

Today work was good. I am getting more and more talkative from the start. I may have over reacted when I thought I did not belong to that part of the kitchen. I just couldn't wait for change to process. I want results right away. It takes time for me to open up or shall I say "loosen-up" when it comes to new  workmates. I always forget that there is a process to new everything new to you. Some may adapt to change right away and some takes time to accept, even notice CHANGE.

There are still times that I couldn't get what my workmates are talking about- cultural differences.

But its a progress..

I got off work earlier today so I planned to go skating. There is a public rink just right outside my work place. I got home and ate a little for lunch and dinner (i rarely eat lunch when at work because I don't take a break at all. I hold my hunger until I get home). I ordered James' christmas gift and got ready to go. I went to the basement to get my skates only to find out that my skates are nowhere to be found. I thought i still had it in the same bag it was in for the last two years. But there aint no skates at all. Then i realized, I must have thrown it away when I left Toronto- I've been moving a lot lately.
Im bummed, I was excited to be out on my own again. But i had to be stopped.

No skates no skating. But atleast I got one gift down two more to go then I'll be set for christmas.

I can't wait for chicopee to open though. And its tomorrow! I am definitely going to hit the slopes.

The Bright Side

Maybe at some point earlier this year, I took a turn of life. A turn that i may have to take to learn how to feel low again. I was so happy and contented with where I was and how life was back then. I learned to back off a little when things get a little too emotional and learned to detach myself from such emotions and can still steer clear myself and make good decisions if they had to be made. It felt sooo good to be able to feel that. It's like summoning your unconscious self and get it into action. The control Im getting from myself in that moment is extraordinary.

I want to be able to do that again. I want to be able to detach myself from anger and jealousy, cynicism,  impatience, frustrations, anxiety and even love. Its not because I don't want to feel them. I do, I do want to feel these emotions. I don't want to be cold and numb. I want to feel them but I want to be able to detach myself when I'm feeling them. I want to be angry but i want to be able to tell myself "so this is what anger is. This is how it is. And this is what it does to me", and then feel the utmost happiness that life is too good to be consumed by it. The control in that moment is very powerful because it takes you to a different level of awareness. It illuminates the other greatness of your life-that thing they call the "bright side".

We oftentimes hear people say "look on the bright side of life" when you are down and when things doesn't happen your way. At times it is hard to see it. Most of the time we get so caught up with getting angry and forget about what/who we have to be thankful for. We oftentimes get stuck in such emotions that even the fact that we are still breathing, alive and can still make decisions to turn things around gets neglected. We get so caught up with these emotions to the point of summoning all negativity and turn what the universe has to offer all into forces that are against you. But when you learn to detach yourself from the emotions that consumes a lot of souls, the universe will conspire and give off its wonders. It will summon all your good experiences from things and people and events of your lives and it will all play in your head like a film without sound. And all the happiness you had from those times, you'll feel it. You will live it again. And that "LITERALLY" is the "Bright Side".

And THIS is how I look on THE BRIGHT SIDE of life.

I dont give a fuck of this damn world!

Im stuck in this life of negativity! Jealousy, self-pity- because I cant go where i wanted to go, can't fucking buy what i want to buy anymore because money these days is so hard! I just got paid last friday  and its a fucking $1260 and now im all broke again! I still have to buy fucking gifts for James and his family!

I cant even go where I want because i dont have a fucking car! And the buses takes fucking forever to take me somewhere!

I am mad! I am sooooo mad! Im like a bomb that's about to explode! We made plans yesterday to go to mastermind for my gift to Jane. But what the fuck, we just fucking went to the fucking surplus to buy that fucking gift for Matt! We got home after that. Well, we got a few groceries and that's it! I am sooo pissed because i can never get things done when im with James! FUCKING NO! i wanted to buy gifts today, ofcourse i didnt because how will i buy gift for someone who is with me the whole fucking day! I cant do shit!

FUUUUUUUCKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!! fuck this life!

How do i fucking turn this thing around!

please somebody tell me because im sick and tired! Im fucking sick and fucking tired!

I AM NOT HAPPY WITH THIS LIFE ANYMORE! I am complaining about everything! I am complaining about complaining! I dont even look on the bright side anymore! I dont appreciate the good things that happen to me! I dont notice the good things around me! All i do is fucking complain!

FUCCCCCCKKKKKKK THIS!!! MOTHERFUCKING LIFE how can i turn u around!


I WANT TO BE BACK TO MY OLD SELF! THe happy me! I want to be optimistic about everything! I dont feel important anymore! I dont feel useful! I feel so useless. my life is useless!

Healthy Living Devotee

I am attempting to devote into a healthy lifestyle! Life really is just at once. No more of it once the life line goes flat. And certainly no going back to what "should've" been done. It took me discomforts to get to this realization. I do not want to get to the worse side before taking action.

So once again I will start living life with awareness of what I eat and awareness of how i go on with my everyday life. May the day be stressful or stress-free, I will devote myself to a full awareness for my own sake. Nobody would really put someone else's life first before theirs, so gotta take care of mine so i can be a fully-functional social person. And let the Month of January (well, the rest of it) a start of my daily exercise and healthy eating.

Healthy eating is just not about WHAT we eat but also HOW we eat WHEN. That is one thing i learned from my own research with my serious indigestion and belching and abdominal discomforts.

Its just about time to re-visit my blog posts and this is definitely a good reason to be back here again! Will probably be posting articles about healthy living and healthy recipes!

good to be back!

AWETHOME TIME OF MY LIFE

Im still going with my trip. I just wanted to share what i have been up to with this trip. Its just so amazing that I cant stand not sharing it....

Our trip started in San Jose, CA- to get the car we rented. We had some issues with the rental and we almost didnt get the car and almost fucked the entire trip..

From San Jose we drove all the way to the Yosemite Park. Its like 6-7 hour-drive. We made stops along the way so it makes it longer than it should be. I didnt care about how long the drive was!! The only thing I truly care about is IM FUCKING DRIVING!!! The most awaited moment. Ive been longing to drive again, and with this trip, it all happened!!
So, we got to the Park at midnight. We looked for camping grounds around the park but it was all full. So we were tired and sleepy and hungry so we parked at Camp 4 and spend the whole night there- we slept in the car.. As for the MOD (mission of the day) we finally get to eat dinner at Yosemite, only we had it in the parking lot.
The following day we went to see the most amazing cliffs in Yosemite. After having lunch there we drove to Lake Tahoe.. Spectacular!!!It was really AWETHOME!!!! We spent our night around the lake and then left early for another drive.
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My mind is pretty occupied right now so, I will keep you updated whenever I get the chance...

Whatever, Wherever..

August 17. This is the day when I lost my grip of my head! I got really dilirious about everything around me. Everything was an issue for me, which is not good...at alll... I woke early in the morning and went out to play basketball. I brought with me my tennis racket hoping I could play with someone. Whoever is in the court I could play with. Basketball was good, but tennis? Nadda. No one in there at all! I tried to call Atul hoping he would play with me, but there was no answer so i just left a message. While waiting for him to get back to me, I decided to go to church. After the mass i headed back to the courts, still nobody's there and still haven't heard from Atul.

When I decided to read my Charmed novel, my mind started to work. I never understand a single thing I've read. Few minutes of reading, it just came to me "I want to get far away from here!" I was thinking of going to AC. I wanted to be in the shore. I wanted to swim, I wanted to do something...I wanted to relax my mind. So I stood up and drive back home with my bike so I could get myself situated and get ready to go to AC. My mind was still raging with negative shit, I couldn't snap out of it.

I didnt realize my phone was ringing. It was already too late to answer it, so I just went on to hear the voicemail. It was Chloe. We talked. I was crazy. She knew it. I was pissed and I couldnt handle it, so I was really obvious on the phone. After I hang-up with her, tears started to run down my face. And then I just lose it! I was hysterically crying, and smashing every branches that's on my way.. I finally got home and drive in to the basketball court. There I saw a lot of things to smash the ground with. I just lost it and shmashed every fallen branches into the bushes and trees.. It feels good though...

It felt much better when I finally get to see and talk to Chloe.. Its always good to let it out...yah knaaawww....

This by the way is the only picture taken that day.. I didnt even take a picture of Chloe who just got back from Nicaragua..

The following pics are taken later that week.. Chloe's back in town so its time to keep rolling!!! Just do whatever..Wherever..

Dude?Look at you.. Look at ur smile!! Hehehe!! I feel you dude!!! - You started it. Not me.;)

Dont be shy..Come on Chloe!! let me see that smile again!!
Chillin' in the city.. Walking around the city and made a stop at some place near the railway..

This is really cute dude!! You look like the oldest kid! Hehe!!Made me wish that I'll have this time with the kids one day! Its cute just you and the kids somewhere else not at home..I love it!This day was fun...